The argument

I keep wondering if I should even bother with this blog.  At the moment, my answer is yes, because I want to have a blog apart from the website I am starting.  I want to have a blog on my website, but I also want a place to share where there is no business association.  I don't care who actually reads the blog, but I need a place where I can fly with the wings that I have.  Does that make sense?

I've been arguing with God (who, me??? -- uh, yeah, I do that a lot) because I have been in agreement with what He seems to be pointing me to, but I just haven't started, cuz, well, you know, um....  I really want to share, but I don't know if I want to SHARE.  I believe in open, honest, up-front communication, until I'm not sure what the cost will be.  In this case, I do not.  I know that I need to write, to share, to develop my thoughts on paper (okay, virtual paper); I know the people I hope will be in the audience.  What I don't know is, in the virtual world, who else might be in that audience.  Oh, well, I have lost this argument.

I will be back.  I want to do frequent posts and hope that I will.  I think it is the only way I will ever be satisfied that I am doing what I should be doing at this point in my journey.  If someone wants to come along, that will be cool.  If not, I will still be doing what I know that I need to be doing.  See ya soon!

Just trying to find my way…

I think that moving through life is one of the most interesting things.  I never know what is going to happen next and I guess I like that, for a lot of reasons.  I know – I should want to know what’s next, but I think if I did, I would just get in the way.

Grandma died at 95 years of age.  She had vascular dementia but was strong and sassy and social.  I was privileged to be there when she stopped living in this dimension.  It was the start of new life for her and a return to my old life.  I had given months of my life to being with her on her journey out of her failing body and mind and into something I cannot even imagine adequately.  The minute she left, she freed me to do whatever else there is to do.  Now, I get to figure that out.  Sometimes I am intrigued by this process and sometimes overwhelmed.  I want so much in terms of experiences and accomplishments in this life – mostly in the realm of learning, growing, and sharing what I learn.

So, I am planning.  I’ve gotten myself into yet another school, but in a totally different field – art (website design) a la the International Academy of Design and Technology Online.  I am learning to express myself again in prose, in poetry, in technical verbage, and in pictures or representation thereof.  I am enjoying myself immensely.  Where will this take me when I grow up?  I don’t know, but it is the most challenging and wonderful thing I’ve done since becoming a mom to my amazing children.  I never really think of myself in terms of creative art, but that’s where I’m headed.  My friend, Carol Combelic (aka “Fibermaniac” – you can Google her), stirred up my interest again in needlework, and wanting to design came out of that.  It was an easy step from there to website design, because I want to market via the internet.  It just seems to flow.  I want also to study/learn/use writing in all of this.  I feel like I have arrived – back at the age of 11, wanting to do just what I wanted to do then (except for the computer part – it was 1958).  How does this fit in with God?  I don’t know yet.  THERE is the adventure and I can’t wait for the next chapter to be written!!!  See you down the road a piece…

Glad It's Not About Me!!! :)

So, I understand that beginning blogs are often slow and solitary endeavors. I see that this is true. I have invited a couple of people to my blog, but they either have not had time or they did and don't want to comment. That's okay. I hope that I get better at expressing myself and explaining what I am doing.

I am wondering if I need to have some sort of approval to use this book, The Indwelling Spirit by Andrew Murray, since it is published as a book intended to be a Bible study. Anyone know? If I am buying copies for friends and encouraging others to buy the book, does that constitute advertising, thereby nullifying the need for permission to use it?

Anyway, I am looking forward to having some kind of response. Perhaps I will just respond to myself and see if anyone else wants to comments on my comments. I suppose I really haven't asked anything yet, really, so there may not be anything to comment on... :D

Jumping-Off Place

Okay, to boil all that narrative down: I believe that my life and its message is not about me. I believe that it is about God as the Father, Jesus the Son, and Jesus' Holy Spirit, and all of the purposes God might have for me to fulfill.

This has given me so much energy in my Christian life! I am no longer worried about whether I am doing the right thing or thinking in the right direction. I am free to follow...oddly enough. I can follow the quiet promptings of the Holy Spirit and the boldness of the Word and the things that I know are right.

I can pray and ask for direction and wait, just like a real first-century believer. :D I can depend on knowing that God is leading and that He really is with me every step of the way. This might have freaked me out at one time, knowing that He really is with me all the time. But this knowledge, coupled with the "it's not about me" thought, just frees me. I am free. This is SO good!!!

Off the Ground

So, I am awakened at night from a small voice, saying, "Lew?" It is Grandma, once again trying to connect with Grandpa, who entered his eternity almost 3 years ago. She is afraid; afraid that she won't join him in Heaven, afraid that she is too "bad to be saved." This from a woman who has claimed Jesus as her Lord since she was 17; she is now 94. What a problem.

Suddenly, I hear my own voice speaking the words that God has been speaking to me since my fall from the ranks of the employable. "It is not about you. It is about God, about what Jesus has done for you. You cannot be good enough to pass or bad enough to fail. All you can be is saved or not, and that is by your choosing, your acceptance of what has been offered to you. You accepted that offer long ago." I remember trying to balance the ticket in a sort of Christian bargaining, when I felt that I was totally unworthy. Yes, I knew I was saved and never doubted it, but somehow, I felt I had to make up for all the mess I made of things in the process of living. So I am telling this lovely woman who was married for 75 years and raised 8 children in a Christian household, who suffered unspeakable losses of 4 babies and 3 of those raised children, that she needs to go back to the beginning and claim the beginning promises. Who am I to tell her this? She has dementia, functional brain loss, which I believe is a perfect environment for torment. I tell her she is being tormented and that she needs to refuse the tormentor. Basic, really basic.

And basic it is. As I am saying all of these things, I remember for myself that it really is just that simple. Jesus died in our sins. He rose from the dead, overcoming sin and death. He was then with his disciples until He ascended to Heaven. In Andrew Murray's study, renamed The Indwelling Spirit by Bethany House Publishers in 2006, he points out that Jesus then was glorified in Heaven and sent His promised Holy Spirit to his followers to maintain his communication with them. When I started belonging to Jesus, my spirit was first reconditioned, as a new spirit, to be fitted for His Essence, His Spirit, to dwell in me. The rest is up to me, on a daily or hourly basis, with the choice to allow the Jesus to work through me or not. I can take center stage or I can move my ego over and let God move the way He wants to. I can stand aside and watch life go by, or I can speak words of life to the widow who no longer has control of her confused mind, but who has a lifetime of remembered scriptures and songs and prayers that I can lead her in. I can help her remember the words that she needs, if only for a few minutes, to rise above her torment and find, once again, that Jesus is still with her, even though her wonderful husband is not. I can sleep, or I can act.

This book, The Indwelling Spirit, has revolutionized my Christian experience. I think I am really learning to follow Jesus. Perfectly? No, I don't think so. Willingly? Yes. With purpose? Yes. Living a fuller experience? Yes. I see everything differently, from the focus truly not being on me or what I can "accomplish for the Lord," but on what the Lord Jesus Christ can accomplish through me. (...and, by the way, I don't have to be in control of where it goes -- I just have to be willing to be taken where it is going.)

This is what I want my blog to be about. This is what I've tried to put together and have thought and pondered how to start it and have tried to find the right words for. Then, last night, I am awakened from a small voice calling, "Lew?" So, it begins. This is my beginning, from ministering words to a frail, dying, helpless lady in the night. Helping her fight her torment and speaking basic Jesus to her. Welcome to my blog. I hope that when you read here, you understand more about Jesus. I am sure that you will be reading from the position of my frailty and my weakness, because that is where God always shows Himself the strongest. If I don't post frequently, that is my weakness. I do get back to everything eventually.

Setting the Blogging World on Fire...

or not. I really don't think I am good at getting big fires going; sometimes, little ones. Sometimes my matches just get wet and I am left with no fire at all. My life veers off in so many directions sometimes and then here I am again. I really admire consistent people. I don't so much count myself among them.

I am consistent in my love for Jesus and my determination to follow Him with the very best effort I can give. Other than that, and how I get there, and what and who I take along on the trip is up for grabs.

But now I have a reason for coming back to this blogging thing. I started this for a reason, but I just now figured out what that reason is: Communication! Wow, I must be a genius! Of course, I have been communicating with people and God and myself and my family and the animals around me. However, I believe I am getting a focus. No, wait...yes, maybe it is a focus.

I read such great books and I want to share with people. When I was young, I used to be able to find a group of people, usually in a coffee house or a university dorm or a late-night diner, and just sit and discuss things until dawn. I miss that. Blogging isn't exactly the same, but maybe it will fill half the bill. The other half has to come from people who care to read this...at least until my cats learn to read and write.

So, right now, I am reading, again, The Indwelling Spirit, by Andrew Murray, a 19th century pastor, missionary, and writer of books and Bible studies. The book was originally published as The Spirit of Christ. I don't know why they changed the title; must be a publisher thing. They also modernized the language. I love reading older styles of prose, but it is nice and flowing and easy to digest with the updated version by Bethany House Publishers, 2006.

So this is a Bible study, 31 chapters, building slowly. It begins with the Who and why and how of the Spirit of Christ, or Holy Spirit, as we know Him. Anyone care to come along for the ride? I think I plan to offer pieces of what I am ingesting a day or week at a time. If you want to jump in, jump! I am more likely to present what I've learned than argue differences. However, I love to hear what others are learning, too. I don't have any answers. For that, you really need the Spirit of God, indwelling, guiding, whispering, showing, teaching.

Shaky Beginnings

Okay, so I'm finally jumping on the blog wagon -- look out, everyone, this may signal the end of blogging as you know it. I tend to jump on when everyone else is jumping off -- or maybe they jump off BECAUSE I jump on...

Anyway, I did this just so I can respond to my son's blog (Daydream Believer, Mike McMullen) because I love to read his blogs and comment. Once I do, he lets go of my arm...oh, yeah, I'm kidding...I do enjoy his blogs and I don't comment often enough. The problem with being able to post your thoughts to the universe is that then they are just hanging out there. When no one comments, ever, it must seem like you are conversing with yourself, a practice for which many have been thrown unceremoniously into solitude. Of course, today, when you see someone conversing with themselves, you can assume that they are probably on their cell phone with their microscopic headset capturing the other end of the conversation. Still unnerving...